For Brian Spar, being overweight was a fact of life since childhood. “My parents never said ‘You should eat healthier’ or ‘You need to be active and play sports,’” he recalls. Even when the doctor suggested a diet, Spar’s family didn’t push the point. “I don’t blame my parents,” he said. “I just think that’s the way things were then. People weren’t as health conscious.” As a result, Spar didn’t have “any food boundaries” when he got older, and his weight reached 340 pounds by the time he was in his 20s.
Gregg McBride remembers having a weight problem since the first grade. In his case, however, his parents were always trying to put him on a diet. Junk food was forbidden, so he would sneak it whenever possible. “If I wasn’t on a diet, then I was in cheating mode and learning a lot of bad habits.” By the time he graduated from college, McBride weighed 450 pounds.
“I can see now my parents were doing what they thought was the right thing, even though it was the worst thing,” said McBride, 40, who lost 250 pounds when he was in his 20s.
Experts agree that parents play a key role in their children’s relationship with food, but many moms and dads don’t know how to address the issue — if at all.
“A lot of parents have no idea what to do if their child is overweight,” said Leslie Connor, a Wilmington, Del.-based psychologist who specializes in assessment and treatment of eating disorders in adolescents and chronic weight problems. “They want them to be a healthy eater, but don’t know how to talk about it.” Some parents, like Spar’s, choose to ignore it.
Even when there is a well-intentioned dialogue, parents need to be mindful of how they discuss food-related issues with their kids. According to a recent study in JAMA Pediatrics, focusing the discussion on weight and size, as opposed to health, may encourage unhealthy habits like binge eating or anorexia.
“It is important for parents to understand what types of conversations may be helpful or harmful in regard to disordered eating behaviors and how to have these conversations with their adolescents," wrote study author Jerica Berge, PhD, a researcher with the University of Minnesota Medical School. Berge and her team found that only 15 percent of mothers and 14 percent of fathers with overweight kids spoke to them about healthy habits.
Spar, 36, who lost 150 pounds about 10 years ago, clearly learned from his experience.  Now that he has two young daughters, he takes “a proactive approach with them” to encourage healthy dietary habits. “I don’t give them lollipops or sugary drinks,” he said. “We give them a lot of fruits and veggies, which they both love eating because that’s all they know.”
Connor recommends trying to relate with your child rather than admonishing them about their weight. Talk about any weight struggles you may’ve had, for instance, and how you dealt with them. “Rather than dictating or preaching, it helps to see the struggles through their eyes,” she said. “The more you share and self-disclose about yourself, the more likely they’ll think about their own habits.”
The Rudd Center for Food Policy and Obesity at Yale University offers the following tips for talking to your kids about weight:
  • Focus on healthy changes in a child’s diet, such as eating more fruits and veggies, rather than constantly talking about losing weight.
  • Look for things that can trigger unhealthy eating habits — like anxiety, depression, or boredom. If you identify the root of the problem, you can start helping your child cope with those feelings.
  • Parents should model healthy behavior for children as much as possible, by eating healthy and being active themselves. This provides both a good example and a support system.
“You have to teach your kids how to self-monitor their eating habits,” said Connor. “Any change is going to come from their own motivation, not by you telling them what to do.”